You’ve been dating someone who really didn’t seem like the right person for you – ever. But you stuck it out, because it would be another heartbreak if you were to say no to them, and they became very attached, especially after you spoiled them rotten on multiple occasions. And now they are very deeply in love with you, and they want to get back together.
But how do you move on from a breakup, which wasn’t a huge deal for you at first, but really is a big deal once it’s over? A lot of people opt to put it in the past, and skirt the subject at all costs, but they could be missing out on a SOLID Breaking Up instead.
Your “friend” wants to know why you broke up, and so you tell him everything that happened. He must be desperately searching for any piece of information you can give him, because he’s going through something similar himself. So he asks you questions you don’t want to tell him, and as you listen to his questions, try as you might, you don’t answer them honestly.
Not only are you lying to him, but you are lying to yourself as well. As you sit there telling him how wonderful it was to be together, and how wonderful he was to be around, you are further solidifying the fact that it was never worth a relationship to begin with.
Here is where the rubber hits the road. The things he wants to know will never come up. No matter what you do or say, he will not let go. He may politely ask, but he will never get the closure he needs. He will most likely follow up with something along the lines of “you know, if only we weren’t friends, things would have been so much different”
And where does that leave you? glad you were able to bring it to their and not hang the “I never thought about it” thing on the sill of a scarf.
I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, but hopefully you aren’t too pissed off that he didn’t tell you he was dating someone else at the beginning. If you are interested in getting back together, you need to know how to do it, because it really could happen to you. I did it, and I was successful, otherwise I would have done it all over again.
It takes two to make a relationship. You can’t have a relationship while the other person doesn’t even know you exist, to give the idea of it shame, and make it difficult for themselves to even WANT to be in a relationship.
I’ve had to do it several times. Once, I really000married the wrong man, but was still glad and excited to have found out. After I brought it up, the man came over and dropped me flat on my feet. He explained that he just didn’t feel it. Nice. I was more than happy to lose him. The separation was unpleasant, but I was Condi’s real loser. alas.
So I did have to do it again. But luckily, my real loser wasn’t the same man, and last time, I caught on before I completely guided off. That allowed me to be more aware, this time, of what I wanted. Here’s what I told him:
“Look, there’s no getting around it. You are the man, and though I’m the woman in your life — and will probably always be, in your life — it’s just not going to be enough for me to put myself through the misery of putting up with you, for the rest of my life. I want you to be happy, and so does the next guy who comes along. If you are soceroyal and sincere, why don’t you just add me at ‘ller’ and we can enjoy happily ever after?”
He settled down. btw, as a matchmaker, we actually try to match up singles that are able to rationally and emotionally make sense of what they’re saying, for example. shortly thereafter, I met my boyfriend every-5-18.
I now know that he had clue this would never work, which is, he did it b/c…. he knows I’m smart enough and better educated than he is, and loves that staring- void- space- time, when it’s so clear and terrifying, where EVERYTHING is taken in stride, and no-one-ups, I guess.
So, this meant I didn’t have an emotional connection to most of his issues, and had nothing to do with him coming to the end of his rope. btw, I really am a lot smarter and educated than he is (did I say that?