I Was Fine With Being the Breadwinner, Until 2020 Came Along

I was remarried two years ago to a caring and thoughtful person. He moved into my house with my two children (now in college). When he arrived, he subtly told me that he was not expected to pay any household expenses. I work part time and have some family money, but I am still on a budget. I refused to pay for everything until an epidemic occurred. Now, I have lost my job and my investment has taken a hit, so my finances are tight. I have brought up my position many times, but my husband says that things are too tight for him. (Our income is about the same.) I can’t help feeling hurt and resentful. He knows this, but he does nothing. any advice?

wife

I am confused. Unless you leave an important detail – your husband cooking and cleaning, for example, or doing most of the emotional labor in your relationship – the man you describe as “caring and considerate” Sounds like a freelader. It is time for you to move up a notch.

When we live with other people (much less marry them), there is no room for subtlety about household expenses. Bills have to be paid! It doesn’t seem like you made a direct request to your husband, though. Stop hinting and tell him what you think would be a good split of expenses. Then listen to his response.

Now, I can understand if he is reluctant to split all the bills in half. You set up an infrastructure for two children. He is not responsible for them. But there is no good argument to pay him anything for housing, food and maintenance costs. An honest conversation should stop this gravy train or at least tell you what your husband is thinking. You will never solve this problem without knowing it.

Credit …Christoph Neiman

I recently made an appointment at a new dental clinic. While I was on the phone, I asked the receptionist if dentists and hygienists had yet received the Kovid-19 vaccination. She told me that she could not answer my question; This was personal information. But I think it is fair to ask. I am not sure if I am going to a clinic where the worker (who will be in close contact with me) has not been vaccinated. idea?

Anonymous

I agree with you – even if we are not completely rational. We are still waiting for clinical studies to find out if those vaccinated can spread the virus to others. So, whether the vaccine is vaccinated or not, your dentist should be masked during your appointment. (You can, of course, call back to verify the safety protocol at the clinic.)

Nevertheless, medical and dental workers (Kovid as the first recipients of the vaccine) were preferred, it seems only appropriate for them to share whatever peace of mind we can get from their vaccinations as we take their Sitting with open mouth in front.

Now, I am not a medical ethicist. And I hope that we will hear more privacy arguments in the coming months. As a real matter, I have felt super secure with the safeguards set up by our health care providers. If you are uncomfortable, however, cancel your appointment and find an upcoming dentist. Better yet, wait until your procedure is an emergency, wait until you have been vaccinated to reschedule.

I hyphenate my last name. I feel without losing the hyphen between my surname and my husband: Jane Doe-Deer. What is the etiquette of addressing the invitation to my husband and me? Should it be Mr. and Mrs. John Dear? Or Mr. and Mrs. John Do-Dear? (My husband does not keep his surname.)

Jane

Think of etiquette as a flood of rules to help each other get the best of us. To me, it is poor etiquette to call people names that they do not like or that may hurt them. For example, I will not exclude your first name from you and your husband’s invitation, just because our grandparents did. You are not subsistence by him!

I wouldn’t use “Mrs.” either. Men are not identified as married or unmarried at addresses. Why you should be Now consider those who are non-culinary. Why they disrespect the wrong title? Therefore, here’s how I would address an invitation to you and your husband: “John Dear and Jane Do-Dear.” What do you think

I live in a condominium, where many residents have direct knowledge about my comings and goings. They can see when I am coming home to check their reserved parking lot, looking through their windows. When I am away, they often ask (by text) for their visitors to borrow my place. Or they want to know where I am. Or why I am away during the epidemic. I find it annoying. I am happy to have brief conversations with my neighbors, but I like my privacy. What did you say?

B

A succession of quick refinances should fix this problem in short order. When neighbors ask to borrow your parking lot, reply: “It won’t be convenient.” When they ask where you are, reply: “I’m taking care of some personal business.”

Even the most persistent of them will eventually be discouraged. And eagerness will probably serve you better than trying to clarify the boundaries of acceptable questions from excellent neighbors.


For help with your awkward situation, send a question to Facebook or Philippe Gully on Facebook at SocialQ@nytimes.com @SocialQPhilip On twitter


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